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This post is part of my 2022 Word Project. You can read what that’s about here.

Thursday, December 7, 2023

I did it. I cheated on the pumpkin pie spice malted milk balls. And I found true love.

The problem is that really wants me to have free stuff. And you don’t say no to free stuff, do you?

This time they wanted me to have peppermint malted milk balls.

I’m on their text list now. I don’t even have to wait for the emails. I get the text and it says something delicious and it’s sitting there right on my wrist. Sometimes I go about my business, like walking on the treadmill or working on a client email. Sometimes I visit the website and browse around casually for a while, as if nothing much is happening and I just wanted to check on the cashews.

Usually I pretend to have a debate with myself over whether or not this is a wise choice, and it often ends in wisely accepting the free thing.

But once in a while I get the text and it says something delicious and I immediately say YES THAT.

I think there were approximately four and a half seconds between that text and the peppermint malted milk balls being in my shopping cart, and that was only because I tripped over myself getting up from the crater in the couch to get to my computer.

The message on the screen prompted me to order within the next hour and thirty four minutes and I would get my delivery tomorrow. Tomorrow! Angels sang.

I didn’t need an hour and thirty four minutes. I didn’t even need four. I ordered those babies up quicker than you can say four hundred Peloton miles.

Then I waited. And waited. A whole entire day had to go by, after all. Then I got the tracking number and the delivery date was… TWO DAYS! Two! What happened to “tomorrow?” I wailed and gnashed my teeth a bit, and shook my fists at FedEx, who is always late with everything.

And I resumed waiting. Whole hours ticked by with no peppermint malted milk balls. Then two days went by and I hopped out of bed with a little extra mint in my step, only to find an email…

We are very sorry but your order may be delayed… for 48 HOURS!

Even I can do that math.

I almost dug out the hotline I have to FedEx’s complaint department (true) but took a few deeps breaths instead. I could do this. I’d just… go try on my jeans and remind myself of why I should not in any way be thinking about peppermint malted milk balls.

Then a Christmas miracle happened. As I was walking down to the mailroom the FedEx guy was walking up the stairs. I recognized the box from a mile away.

It wasn’t delayed after all. Clearly the universe had heard, and it was NOT messing with me on this one. Even the universe knows it can only go so far.

I brought the box in and left it on the floor. I walked around it a bit to admire it. I thought about how if I opened it, Hello Kitty was going to get her face in there and I’d never even get a taste. I went to work.

A few hours passed. I ate lunch. The box twitched a little, clearly restless at being ignored. I patted it gently and told it to wait for after dinner. It complained.

Just to appease it, I opened it up and unpacked it, threw out all the packing materials and put the bags of deliciousness on the counter. In my excitement I had forgotten I also ordered chestnuts. Chestnuts! But that’s a whole other blog.

I considered eating them because chestnuts are delicious AND healthy, but those take a while, you have to cut them and roast them and cool them and peel them. A worthy pursuit, to be sure, but I didn’t have time for that.

The peppermint malted milk balls rolled their eyes a little and were like… we’re easy! Eat us!

And a person only has so much resistance so I did.

I’m here to tell you that peppermint malted milk balls are simply delightful. They are all the goodness and mintyness you’d expect from a Christmas treat. It was love at first bite.

I have no idea where these things have been all my life but we’re BFFs now.

Still… my love is fickle, so you never know what will happen when that text comes next fall. Or what might happen in between.

The only problem right now is Hello Kitty. I mean, you can NOT get her to keep her face out of that bag.

Photo: Do you see what I mean??