Tuesday, November 28, 2023
I think I am going to have a heart attack and die.
Heart attacks and strokes are two of the leading causes of death in the world but nobody tells you what causes the heart attacks and strokes. I’m here to tell you that it’s technology, followed closely by idiots.
This is not what I was going to write about today but since I might be dead tomorrow, this could be my last chance to tell you about it.
I had to buy a gift today.
It seemed like such a simple thing. Go to website. Pick out gift. Send.
If you’re cackling wildly right now you are smarter than me. I actually had a moment where I thought it would only take a minute.
I created an account, got all the way to the billing page, hit Place Order and…
Big red error message.
There was a problem processing your payment. Check your billing information or try another credit card.
Super. Great. I try again because maybe I missed a digit.
Ok. Fine. Maybe they don’t take that credit card. I try another.
Whatever. I should’ve turned off my ad blocker. That always gets in the way. I turn it off.
For the love of… it could be the browser. I’ve been having issues lately. I try another.
What the actual… are you kidding me right now with this?
A little smoke comes out my ears.
At which point I started getting dinged with credit card charges. I look at both of my credit card accounts and there are a total of five pending charges for this order that couldn’t go through.
Now I’m starting to seethe. I have no order confirmation. I have nothing. All I have is five pending charges. I call customer service.
If you’re cackling wildly right now you are smarter than me. I actually had a moment where I thought it would be fine because it’s an American company based out of Chicago.
I call the 800 number. I push one and seven and two. And I get…
Allo ma nem ees Majabahaharurjjjaiaia.
I attempt to explain the situation. Majabahaharurjjjaiaia asks me if I have an account. I tell him I just created one. Majabahaharurjjjaiaia cannot find it. Majabahaharurjjjaiaia asks me for my order number. I explain once again that I never made it past the checkout page. There is no order number.
Majabahaharurjjjaiaia tells me to call back in an hour because that’s how long it takes orders to process and then he will see it in my account.
Now my brain is melting. I say LISTEN TO WHAT I’M SAYING. I explain it again. Very slowly. Using small words.
Majabahaharurjjjaiaia insists I need to call back.
Do you know what you can’t do with a cell phone? Slam the receiver down. It’s really a rather substantial oversight.
I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt and call back in an hour.
This time I got connected to Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa.
I attempt to explain the situation, including my prior communication. Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa asks me for my order number. Rinse, repeat.
No word is small enough, apparently, to explain THERE IS NO ORDER NUMBER.
Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa asks me what time I placed the order. I give her the time of the first charge, in US Central, because there’s no way she’s making that leap. Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa asks me for my address. I have to repeat it four times. Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa asks me for my email address. I have to spell it six times.
Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa puts me on hold and then comes back and tells me to call back in an hour because that’s how long it takes orders to process and then she will see it in my account.
This is the part where I have a complete and total meltdown. I say YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME.
Ralph comes into the room to ask what’s going on. I’m fairly certain I will need him to zap me with a defibrillator.
I tell Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa that I am looking at $500 of pending charges on my credit card for an order that never went through and I need to speak to someone who can help me.
Samashememesabbiiaiaiaghaa says she is submitting a ticket to what sounded like “higher up” but could very well have been “electric eel” or quite possibly “row a boat.” She told me that someone would get back to me in 24 hours.
Pretty sure something in my brain shorted out at that point. If it wasn’t 10:00 in the morning I would have poured myself a drink. In fact, I almost did, and then decided that adding raging alcoholic to my list of woes was probably not a good idea.
Since 24 hours has not passed, and I’ll probably be dead by then anyway, I’m sorry to say I can’t tell you how this all worked out. All I can tell you is that I sent them an email, to which they responded that they would “try to resolve the issue.”
Try is what you do when you use two credit cards to place an order. Try is what you do when you reboot your computer twice and use three browsers. Try is what you do when you do not reach through the phone to strangle someone.
There are absolutely, positively, no awards for trying.
They emailed me a second time and asked for my address. If they email me a third time and ask for my order number, I will TRY not to murder someone.
Now I’m wondering… does that count as a confession?
Photo: kitties had a temper tantrum, too.