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This post is part of my 2022 Word Project. You can read what that’s about here.

Sunday, December 3, 2023

I decided I wanted Christmas window clings. It’s time to take the leaves and acorns off and replace them with Santas and snowflakes. I went on Amazon.

I had the brilliant idea to go to the same vendor where I got the fall ones because they are very nice and they stuck without falling off, which seems to be a common problem with window clings.

Except apparently they only sell fall window clings, and… nail glitter?

I tried to find another option but after a half hour, reading ten thousand reviews about things that were too small/not the colors as shown/didn’t cling, and after trying to filter through a bunch of Santa and reindeer characters that looked like they were high on LSD, I gave up.

I decided to find cocktail napkins instead.

I typed Christmas cocktail napkins into the search bar.

The results were so beyond anything rational that I decided I could do one of two things. Throw the computer out of the window and go scrub a toilet. Or have some fun with it.

So here were are! Let’s call this the 12 Napkins of Christmas. Since these are the results I got, I am going to figure out how they relate to the holiday and not, say, a wedding, or someone’s Great Aunt Bertha’s wisdom tooth removal party.


One. Lemons.

One can only assume they are going into a cocktail, perhaps The Twinkle, which has champagne, vodka, and elderflower with a twist. Have enough of those and you won’t care what your napkin looks like. Problem solved.

Two. Flamingos.

Clearly the reindeer are on strike. And the cost of magical flying powder has probably quadrupled since last year so Santa has to cut costs somewhere.

Three. A beehive hat.

Some guy in marketing was working on this year’s design but his app kept crashing and every time he looked for a photo of Santa he got a duck instead so he poured a bourbon and the Santa hat came out a little lopsided, at which point he poured another bourbon and said screw it and went with a beehive instead. I can relate.

Four. Christmas vomit.

I mean… it has a tree vibe going on, right?

Five. Beige.

This actually makes the most sense. It does not have anything triggering, offensive, non-inclusive, misogynistic, racist, objectionable, homophobic, transphobic, or gendered. It doesn’t violate or inhibit anyone’s freedom of speech or religion or identity or their right to be an idiot. Not a bad bet, really.

Six. Pickleball.

Well, it’s green…

Seven. Hedgehog.

It’s how I look after half an hour of trying to find Christmas window clings.

Eight. Shark.

It’s how I feel after another half hour of trying to find Christmas cocktail napkins. One can only assume this is meant to remind you that at some point this season, you will want to bite someone’s head off.

Nine. Flower pineapples.

Once upon a time there was an elf. This elf was assigned the task of creating a gift for a little girl who liked to write and tell stories. The elf, thinking he was being very wise even though he was a very Small elf and did not understand supply chain and capitalism and so had no idea how hard it would be to make a gift, read some of the things that the little girl wrote so he would know what she liked.

He read about pineapples and gingerbread cookies, clouds and flowers. He read an awful lot about cocktails and they looked so interesting that he decided to try some. He might have gone a little bit overboard.

He may have been a Small elf but he was a Good elf, and even though the world was spinning quite a bit, he would not disappoint the little girl. He would create a gift no matter what!

The elf succeeded and the little girl was quite amused.

Sadly, he was fired and replaced by AI the following year.

Ten. Mermaid.

If you squint really hard you can almost mistake her tail for mistletoe. And then you can make a Mistletoe Kiss cocktail and drink four of those and you won’t even have to squint anymore.

Eleven. Birthday.

Well… I guess even Jesus turned 50 at some point.

Twelve. A partridge.

A partridge! I mean, how perfect is that? Search win!

Photo: quite possibly the most appropriate napkin of all. With a little help.