This post is part of my 2022 Word Project. You can read what that’s about here.
Friday, June 9, 2023
7:44pm
It’s Friday, it’s cocktail night, I’ve been looking forward to it for about 47 days, and I wanted something kind of dumb and fun to write about. So I did what you do, and scoured the internet for dumb ideas. Turns out that was a good idea, because the internet is full of dumb things. But it was a bad idea because they are really, really dumb.
I looked up fun things to make lists about. And interesting things to write about on your personal blog. And story starters and journal prompts.
Boy, people are stupid. And redundant. If one person tells you to “share your most embarrassing moment” you can bet there are at least six million other people who will tell you to share your most embarrassing moment.
Clearly these are people who sit around googling “what to write about on my blog” and then pilfering each other’s ideas.
I am not, however, going to tell you about my most embarrassing moment. I wouldn’t even know where to start.
What I decided to do, because I’m feeling particularly snarky tonight, is write the anti-idea blog. I am going to write about what I am not going to write about. The dumb, pointless things people tell you to write about when you need ideas. Because why not.
And I am not even going to give you the top ten list of things I won’t write about. It will be some arbitrary number that will only be determined when I am done writing or have had too many cocktails and can’t write any more.
Ready?
By the way, cocktail number 2. That is what I am on right now.
The first thing I am not going to write about is what’s in my purse.
Who the f#@% cares what’s in anyone’s purse? I mean, DO people care what’s in someone’s purse? I have a hard enough time trying to figure out how to carry what’s in mine, let alone giving a flying kite about what’s in someone else’s.
Unless they want to give me a magical way to make sure the keys never end up at the bottom where they ALWAYS end up so I have to spend 20 minutes digging everything OUT of my purse before I can get into my front door, then I do not care.
I know there are “lifestyle” blogs where people tell you about their makeup routines and their favorite accessories, but what’s in your purse?
I can’t decide which is more stupid, someone telling me to write about what’s in my purse, or someone wanting to know what’s in someone else’s purse.
The second thing I’m not going to write about is what I would tell my 20 year old self. Why? I wouldn’t have listened anyway. I had people to tell me everything I needed to know when I was 20, like save for retirement! Be yourself!
This is just regret couched as something profound.
And in the end it’s all cliché. Don’t settle for less! That first heartbreak isn’t going to ruin your life! Follow your passion! You are enough!
Here is one thing I would tell my 20 year old self: you’re going to read a lot of garbage on the internet someday and a lot of people are going to sound like they know everything. It’s all going to be bullshit, especially that part about how baking soda will get the sticky label residue off your glass jars.
Third thing I am not going to write about: laundry tips for beginners. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Here’s a tip: whatever you do, it’s going to shrink anyway.
Cocktail number three, by the way. My first and third were topped with Prosecco, which was a nice fizzy change from what I usually drink. In the middle I had a passionfruit cocktail that made for a nice fruity summer drink. Friday is working out in my favor.
But seriously, how does “laundry tips for beginners” make someone’s top list of things to blog about?
Another thing I am not going to write about: my best tips for starting the day right. The clichéness of it is killing me.
Actually, I do have a tip. Stay in bed. Especially if you haven’t slept more than ten minutes because the beeping and crashing went on all night so that you finally looked up the noise ordinance in your town and how to file a complaint.
Then eat buttered biscuits.
Pretty sure that wasn’t what they wanted when they suggested the topic. I was supposed to say something motivational about meditating or doing positive affirmations or something.
Next thing I am not going to write about: 38 different ways to make coffee.
ARE there even 38 ways to make coffee? Why the hopping fudge would you need THIRTY EIGHT WAYS? Is like… drip, percolator, French press not enough?
Here’s a really good one that I’m not going to write about: a secret about myself that I never told anyone. Does someone fundamentally misunderstand the definition of secret?
So either you’re going to get something idiotic (I eat the peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon!) that nobody cares about and that does not make you as much of the unique snowflake as you think you are, or your mother/husband/best friend is going to be really pissed.
Do you want to know something I’ve never told anyone before?
I’M NOT TELLING YOU, THAT’S THE POINT.
My favorite motivational quotes. Because what the Internet needs more of is inspirational quotes. I am definitely not going to write about that. There aren’t enough people saying trite things for the sake of a blog, right? I should do it too.
Here, just for you.
Ego is born in the gap where hope has been excluded. Without wellbeing, one cannot self-actualize. Where there is materialism, power cannot thrive.
Copied right out of a nonsense generator. Don’t try to understand it, just be motivated by it. Hang in there!
To roam the story is to become one with it. This life is nothing short of a condensing paradigm shift of ethereal potential.
There, I like that one better.
Baking tips. That is FOR SURE something I am not going to write about.
Snort.
Snort chuckle.
Snort chuckle with guffaw.
I mean, after something like 51 years I did discover that you can roll out a pie crust on parchment paper and then put the plate upside down on it before you flip it, so I guess that’s something.
Number empth thing I am not going to write: a list of things you can’t say out loud. See above about telling a secret. Am I missing something? Here is something I can’t say out loud: how stupid people are for writing these things. Except I just said it out loud so…
In my travails, I found a blog post where someone suggested writing your anti bucket list. Things you will never do, before you die or anytime after.
My kind of person.
I bookmarked that one.
Do you know what I want to find on the internet? The 10 most unpopular blogs. I already know all the ones that people think are so brilliant that they have to make lists about them. What I want to find are the ones nobody has ever heard of, the ones where people write about their boring lives and the lists they aren’t making.
I used to follow some obscure blog where a woman wrote just that. I think her name was Penelope, or something with a P anyway, and she called her husband “The Farmer.” It was sarcastic and witty and completely unpretentiously ordinary. And then she got popular and everyone had to put her on a list.
I lost track of that blog, but I want to find more like it. I think there are a lot of interesting boring people out there, but they aren’t in the top five Google results so you never hear about them. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet found a viable way to search for unpopular things.
The internet is just a vomitorium of recycled and regurgitated ideas. If one more person tells me to share my favorite motivational quotes, I’m going to rip out a server farm in Virginia.
Product reviews. That’s something I promise you I will never write about.
Yes, on my PERSONAL BLOG, which is what they call someone’s blog when it’s written by a person and not an AI bot, I am going to do a review of a loaf of Martin’s potato bread or something. I bet everyone is just sitting around waiting to hear my take on the meat thermometer I just bought.
Cocktail number four. After coloring in the lines tonight and being so diligent about doing what everyone says, I decided that I had enough of following recipes and I made up my own drink. Rye, Brandy, Cynar, Rhubarb, and strawberry syrup. I named it the Anti-Cocktail in honor of this post. It is quite good.
Final thing I am not going to write about because it seemed so appropriate: lessons learned from blogging. That could actually be amusing if I did decide to use it, though. Lesson: I am not as interesting as I think I am. Lesson: I am not as stupid as I think I am.
A lot of people are quite a bit stupider, thank you.
Lesson: writing is a stank bucket harder than it looks. I love it, but sometimes I hate it. And I never want to write another word again, until I close my document and then I suddenly have a million things I need to say.
Photo: maybe Hello Kitty had the same kind of Friday night I did, looking up dumb things on the internet.