Friday, February 18, 2022
This is not a story. This is not even much of a reflection. This is an accountability statement.
I need to reboot, and I need to say it out loud so that my brain gets the message.
I thought about writing about the word rest today. As in, do it. Ralph required me to “rest” today, even though the only thing that really involved was not getting on the treadmill. I threw my back out yesterday trying to move the darn thing. I heard and felt it at the same time. Fortunately, between yoga and strength exercises, it feels like one of those things that will incapacitate me for a few days but not put me out of commission.
So I didn’t get on the treadmill today.
I still did laundry, worked, cooked, cleaned.
I probably need to actually rest, but I can’t say today was the day I did it.
The other thing that occurred to me, as I did not get on the treadmill but sat on my fattening butt instead, is that I need to reboot.
It’s not a new year or month or even week, but I feel like I need to shove everything that happened up until this point into a box and start over.
I’m not rebooting today. I just need to talk about it for a while. I need to complain about the fact that I’m not doing it. I need to sink all the way to the bottom before it occurs to me to try to swim back to the surface so I don’t die.
I need to reboot my morning routine, so I can get up and do my ME stuff before I have to spend the rest of the day doing what everyone else wants and needs. I used to get up, do a real meditation, not just one I phone in before bed so I can say I squeezed it in. I used to do yoga for real, not just the shortest, easiest thing I can find so I can call it done.
You may wonder why I do it at all, if I’m only going to take a “cram it in because I have to” approach. The reason is very simple, it’s because if I stop, I’m afraid I’ll never start again.
As challenging as it’s been, as horrible as I’ve been, I have a streak going that at least keeps me in the mindset of trying. I keep going because if I don’t, I will stop. Like, hit a brick wall crash and stop.
And that’s a hard reboot. That’s the kind of reboot you do when you shut everything down and count to ten before starting it up, after which it will have forgotten all your settings. Then you have to spend a lot of time figuring out just how to get back to zero.
I can’t do that kind of reboot.
I can do the soft kind where everything powers down for a second before it wakes back up.
Right now my life is like watching the spinning wheel of death. Waiting and waiting and waiting and is this thing ever going to come back online or what.
So yeah. I need my me stuff back.
I call it my morning routine, but really it’s my me routine. It just so happens that I do it in the morning because that’s the most likely time to be able to do it. Lately I haven’t even gotten that.
I need to reboot my eating habits. Somehow I went from eating food to eating anything that can be chewed. Half the time it isn’t even like I want to eat it, it’s just there. And why is it there? Because I put it there. It doesn’t magically appear.
All the loaves of bread that get baked? Me. All the cookies that get ordered? Me.
It’s an exercise in self-sabotage. I don’t understand it. All these years on this earth doing the same thing and I still don’t understand a thing about myself.
I need to reboot back to greens and real food and things that won’t make me gain weight every week.
I need get back to acting like I want to live past 53 and not be fat and in pain when I get there.
But first I have to think about it and talk about it and gripe and bitch and moan about it.
And then I have to get so mad that the switch flips and all systems reboot.
I need a life.
Here is how I read lately: one page at a time as I walk between the tea kettle and the table.
Do you know what I really want to do more than anything right now? Sit down with a book and some tea and a candle and NOT A COOKIE and just chill out all day. I mean ALL DAY, as if I could spend a day rebooting without worrying about my hard drive shutting down.
Or the world.
The world will not shut down without me.
I need a reboot, and if I was smart I would start right now.
But that won’t happen because I haven’t sufficiently cross examined it.
How about tomorrow? How about I reboot tomorrow? I mean, today is almost over so there isn’t much I can do except finish writing this and go to bed.
But I can wake up and be better tomorrow. Better. I already did that word.
Start over. Do over. Reboot.
Reboot my eating habits, reboot my exercise habits, reboot my life and my attention.
Reboot my attitude. Reboot my focus.
I’m holding down the power button now, disconnecting all the slow, misbehaving programs and waking up tomorrow fresh.
Photo: yes, I’m sure I want to restart now.