This post is part of my 2022 Word Project. You can read what that’s about here.
Tuesday, January 4, 2022
8:46am
I have a word today. I’ve had it since the middle of the night although I didn’t know it then.
It’s when I found myself repeating it over and over to myself this morning that it revealed itself as the word that was going to stick with me.
I have panic attacks. (Welcome to the world, right?) Not often, but I’ve had them enough times that I know how they work. I can feel one coming on, not because I’m feeling anxious or short of breath or anything at all. I feel fine. I just sense it coming.
If you’ve ever had a panic attack or a migraine, you know that feeling. It’s about to. But it hasn’t.
The thing about panic attacks is they aren’t rational. They don’t happen when they should, like when the tornado alarms go off in the middle of the night and whang you out of bed. But they sneak in when you least expect them, like on a sunny day in October when things are going pretty well and you’re about to have dinner with your parents at a nice restaurant but end up in the ER instead.
Anyway, if I pay attention to the coming-on feeling then I can usually mostly or totally stop it from happening. I just have to get my rational brain to outsmart my irrational one, and that always involves reminding myself that I’m ok.
So last night, as for no reason at all my irrational brain decided that the world was about to end and I was going to die, maybe not in that order, but surely in the worst way possible, my rational brain sighed a deep, 2-AM-tired sigh and said, “You’re ok.”
And my rational brain repeated that word for a while in between wishing it could just go back to dreaming about cake.
You’re ok. Ok? Ok. All ok. Everything is ok.
And so it was.
Fast forward to this morning, and both my brains were pretty tired from that whole conversation, not to mention all the decisions that had to be made about cake. And my body was pretty tired from all those jumpingjacks. So getting out of bed wasn’t looking too attractive.
But as you already know, there is a certain level of perfect that must be achieved, and that involves a certain level of morning routine, so even though every inch of me was screaming to stay in bed and the bed was being a jerk by being all warm and squishy, I took a herculean breath and said…
O.KAAAAAAaaaaayyyy.
Then I plunked down to meditate.
Ok.
Then I mostly fell over onto my yoga mat.
Okokokokok
Then I defied gravity and got into a down dog.
Ok!
Then gravity defied me and I collapsed into child’s pose.
ok
And somewhere in between child’s pose and warrior three, ok had become my mantra.
Because really, in the end, it’s all ok.
Me, you, the world, the amazing things, the crap things, the sleeping or not sleeping, the yoga or the farro that tastes like boiled zoo (for anyone who follows my Instagram, that’s for you.)
Ok means: Don’t worry about a thing. ‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright.
Ok means: Fine, I will get up and do this thing even if I don’t want to.
Ok means: I’m good, I got this.
Ok means: It could be worse.
Ok means: It could be better.
Ok means: Well, that didn’t work out like it was supposed to, but…. Whatever.
Ok means: If you say so.
It’s a pretty great word, actually, because depending on how you inflect it, and how many syllables you give it, it can mean anything from “super!” to “omg this is the worst” to “wow, you’re stupid.”
Pretty versatile, on a day when my brain was full of cake and gravity and resignation and nonsense all before 6AM.
Now. I know YOU’RE ok. The question is: what kind of ok are you today?
Photo: my boy cat, Ash, aka Ashes and Cream, aka Buddy, hiding under an afghan my aunt made for me.